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Eliot's Alphabet
Everything from A to Z with Eliot Spitzer in between

By Ellen Snortland

Far be it for me to be above jumping on the Spitzer bashing bandwagon. I'm of several minds, however, with at least 2 dozen thoughts and feelings ranging alphabetically from "A- Z." Here's my former Governor of New York Eliot Spitzer prostitution ring scandal alphabet soup:

"A" is for "rhymes with 'casserole." Just as the late Leona Helmsley got headline treatment - rhymes with "rich", "Queen of Mean" - the likes of which I've never seen a man receive, what's good for the infamous Leona greedy goose is also good for the randy Eliot gander. "King of Sting," what an ass, er, I mean, casserole!

"B" is for "busted." Could he fly a "bust me" flag any higher?

"C" is for "champion." In the lemons to lemonade category, maybe if Spitzer does jail time, hc'll turn his formidable crusader talents into some badly needed prison reform.

"D" is for "daughters." Hey, kids, Daddy has something he needs to tell you.

"E" is for "Emperor Club." I guess there are about 50 "emperors" having monarch-size heart attacks every time the phone rings these days.

"F" is for "foreseeability." Gee, when I was in law school "foreseeability" was a main pillar of tort and criminal analysis. Spitzer must have slept through that class at Harvard Law.

"G" is for "gleeful." So many enemies, such cheap schadenfreude.

"H" is for "hubris" and "hypocrite."

"I" is for "irony, indignation, indicator." As Alanis Morisette would sing, "Isn't it ironic." that Spitzer would so righteously pursue the sex trade? Is righteous and loud Indignation an accurate Indicator of something someone is hiding?

"J" is for "jail." Spitzer just might experience more unsafe sex than he ever wanted. "Hey, Emperor you like it without a condom? I'm here to fulfill you! I bought you for 1,000 cigarettes. Bend over."

"K" is for "kicking himself." What Spitzer is doing from Albany and Manhattan and back.

"L" is for "lessons." Whoo boy, men living in glass houses should not throw subpoenas.

"L" also for "loss." We desperately needed you, Eliot, to clean up all sorts of things; this is truly a loss to the muckraking pantheon of heroes.

"M" is for "Memo."

To : All Wives of Public Figures

From : The Sisterhood

Re : Public Forum Sati

Attention: You are no longer required to commit the equivalent of speech "sati," the Indian practice of requiring the widow of a prominent man to throw herself on his funeral pyre. We will back you if you decline the invitation to stand like a deer in headlights next to him as he flames out.

"N" is for No Glove, No Love, Guv.

"O" is for "out." Now that he's out, it'll be fascinating to see what he does. Wouldn't it be a miracle if he wrote a truly open account of his double life, his true gender politics, possibly the need to de-criminalize sex work? After all, sex work has been one of the ways that women can get out of poverty.

"P" is for "penis." Note to political handlers: From now on, require a "penis problem" set of questions before backing a candidate. 1) Do you have penis issues? 2) If you had penis issues, what might they be? 3) Is there anything (penis habits) you're hiding that if discovered would disgrace you forever?

"Q" is for "quiet." This too shall quiet down until the next revelation of hidden sexual shenanigans by a righteous public figure. On the other hand, when WILL this country grow up?

"R" is for "red-handed." Brush off that "nolo contendere" plea, buddy.

"S" is for "steamroller." It's not so fun to be the steamrollee, is it?

"T" is for "twelve steps." The only thing that can explain such a lack of honor is addiction. Mr. Spitzer, can you say, "I admitted I was powerless?"

"U" is for "unsafe" sex. Of all the allegations so far, Eliot's desire to purchase "unsafe" sex infuriates me the most. Ordinarily, I'm remarkably unlitigious for a lawyer. Now I'm thinking we should create a new crime or tort: reckless or intentional criminally negligent disregard for the health of one's spouse or a sex worker. HOW DARE HE!

"V" is for "vagina." Note to political handlers: Makes more elected officials with vaginas seem common-sense, doesn't it? We just don't seem to have much trouble keeping our vaginas in our pants possibly since they are already IN our pants. Plus too many of us are too darn practical or cheap to shell out over a thousand dollars an hour for anything.

"W" is for "White House." Not.

"X" is for "XX." Dos Equis. No problema con sexo en el oficina, usted comprende?

"Y" is for the Y chromosome. Hmm. Why indeed?

"Z" is for "zero," the place where the dishonorable Mr. Spitzer will have to begin once this is over.

Pasadena Weekly: 3/20/08

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