Stereotyped all of my life, I've been shunted down pathways based on biology, not individual personality. You'd think I'd be accustomed to the caricatures by now. What a stubborn bitch! As a girl, I was pegged by society as nurse/teacher/mommy/wife material with not a lot of wiggle room for other pursuits. As a teen, I was categorized as a "blonde," which meant I was bright-locked but dull-witted. As a newly awakened feminist in the early 1970s, I was quickly branded as humorless, braless, hairy-arm-pitted, man-hating and shrill, even though I frequently had a sense of humor, wore a bra, shaved, hated women just as much (kidding!) and was an alto.
These days, during and after a bruising contest to have the first viable female presidential nominee, it's been decreed by the mainstream media that I - along with millions of other women - are "angry white women," yet another stupid stereotype that yes, pisses me off. OK, there's some truth to stereotypes, but never fear: I am the typical female multi-tasker. I am not only angry, I am resourceful.
There are historical solutions for the "angry white women" problem. I suspect some of the male supremacist media guys and gals that got off on flagellating Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton and her surrogates might endorse my recycled ideas. As William Kristol, media commentator and New York Times columnist, pointed out, "White women are a problem, that's, you know - we all live with that." Well, Mr. William "Pessimist" Kristol, maybe we don't have to live with that. Don't be so negative! Here are some underused, yet tried and true, approaches to the "white women" problem.
Scolds' Masks: Used primarily in Europe and the British Isles during the late medieval and Renaissance periods, scolds' masks are iron headgear used to punish and humiliate women who dared display anger or talk back to men. The scolds' mask was locked on the woman's face and head - sometimes with a contraption that would apply a tourniquet to her tongue - and then she'd be pilloried or marched down the streets as a warning to female scold wannabes. The Hillary Pillory has a certain ring to it, yes? I know, I know, it'd be really hard to get these masks on women that are as pissed as cats in a bathtub, but once those masks are on, gals . think of the weight loss benefits! Furious but skinny!
Burkas and Airlifts into Afghanistan: Quick! Before Barack Obama or John McCain is elected. The Bush administration could go down in history as a "do SOMETHING" administration if it were to conscript the 18 million disgruntled Clinton supporters (which includes a lot of presumably whipped and pissed off white men) and ship them all off to Afghanistan in burkas! Talk about a SURGE! Surge THIS, you wimpy Afghans! Hey, Taliban . is that an Uzi under your burka, or are you just happy to see me?
Yes, I know, burkas are uncomfortable, hot and also from the medieval era, but they're easy to use and a real boon to our cotton growers. If we just surround Afghanistan with fences and let the cranky middle-aged white women take on the warlords, we'd have many problems solved immediately. Of course, this is a variation on the angry white woman joke that was circulating after Sept. 11. The greatest punishment for Osama bin Laden? Kidnap him and perform a sex-change operation. Dress and wig Osama, then send him back to Kabul without a burka. What would he be then? Voila! A really angry white woman - and dead meat.
The Stake: I know, I know, burning women at the stake is really bad for the environment and global warming. But hear me out. Execution by fire is highly entertaining and efficient for scaring the tar out of women who are even thinking about being pissed off. Hey, have a couple of public "bitch burnings" and the little women are going to have a big shift in attitude, literally melting before opening their mouths in ugly protest. There's nothing like an "angry white woman" barbecue to keep things in order. The "go-to" text for this approach to shutting women up is the famous "Malleus maleficarum" ("The Hammer of Witches"), published by Catholic inquisition yahoos in 1485-86. "All wickedness is but little to the wickedness of a woman. . What else is woman but a foe to friendship, an inescapable punishment, a necessary evil, a natural temptation, a desirable calamity, domestic danger, a delectable detriment, an evil nature, painted with fair colors. Women are by nature instruments of Satan - they are by nature carnal, a structural defect rooted in the original creation." Rush Limbaugh couldn't have said it any better than that!
Of course, my censorship tactics are all extremely expensive and very messy compared to the status quo method of shutting up angry white women: mainstream broadcast and print blackouts work a lot better. Name one white middle-aged, overweight, average-looking female counter-balance to pissy Rush Limbaugh and his ilk. See? To quote the late, great George Carlin, "The status quo sucks."